I recently decided to give online dating a shot. And, after regaling some friends with some of my stories, they insisted that I write about it. So, without further ado...my first awkward online dating meetup experience.
When you live in Park City and sign up for a dating website, most everyone else in your "area" is in Salt Lake City. Despite being a little old fashioned in my first date thoughts (and believing the guy should come to the girl), I figured since I was going to be in SLC anyways last weekend, I'd take someone up on their offer of an SLC date. So, I made plans to meet up with this guy at a coffee shop downtown.
His profile was promising: athletic-looking, cute academic in the middle of PhD studies at the University of Utah. In our messages we had exchanged, he seemed like a sharp, witty guy who would make for a great conversationalist. I was pretty excited for coffee with someone who wanted to share some intellectual banter!
So, I arrive at the coffee shop at 4:05. I was five minutes late because I am pretty much always five minutes late to everything. I walk in and there are only three people in the coffee shop. Two are female and the one guy in the shop looks nothing like the one in the photo online. So, I text him and say I'm standing in the entryway. A short, chubby guy (the one guy in the shop) stands up and, rather than exchanging a hug or handshake or whatever gesture you extend on a first date, waves me over to the table and says he already bought a coffee so if I want something, I can go get it.
Strike one. If you can't even offer to buy me a coffee (like...a black coffee that typically costs $1.50 but at this overpriced place YOU chose costs $3.50), that's not promising. I'm always going to offer to pay for my own things but you should at least make an effort.
So, I get my overpriced coffee and sit down at the table. I don't even remember what topic I brought up, but we start talking.
And he has a stutter.
Now, I'm not insensitive. I know that stuttering is a real thing and that's not make-or-break for me. But somehow, it seemed to select the most inopportune times to present itself. It didn't select simple sounds to get stuck on. It was the sounds that make you spit. So he's sitting here spitting all over me and I'm trying to maintain a poker face that I'm totally okay with it. Because I'm genuinely trying to give him a shot. I decide to forgo hearing every word in favor of adopting a distance that's a bit further out of the reach of the spit.
The topic turns to interests. He inquires about my run that morning because I had shared with him that I had a six-mile training run for my half-marathon that morning. I tell him that it wasn't great due to the heat, but running is getting easier for sure. He proceeds to explain to me in great detail how much he hates running. And sports. And basically everything that I like.
About the only thing we can agree on is the fact that it is currently hot as hell in Salt Lake City.
So I turn the conversation to him. He mentioned studying for his PhD at the U...what was he studying?
Poetry.
Somehow, I manage to squelch my immediate response of laughter and instead ask what kinds of things he does while working towards his PhD.
"Well, I write poems."
That's awesome! I've written songs before. Which are kind of like poems with a melody. Kind of. So, what kinds of classes do you have?
"We just write poems."
Don't you have a dissertation or something to defend before you get your degree?
"No, we just write poems."
Well, you must have classes where you like...discuss and dissect poems? Like workshop sort of classes?
"No. We pretty much just write poems."
At that point, I decided to stop asking leading questions because clearly there wasn't much going on in this program besides writing poems. The conversation stalled, so I glanced down at my watch and decided to become a senior citizen and announce that I had dinner plans at 5 p.m. for a belated birthday celebration (not entirely a lie...I did have plans for a belated birthday celebration with Korey and Ashley, but there wasn't a time attached to it).
He immediately stood and walked to the door, not really waiting for me or saying much else. At the door, no niceties were exchanged. Rather, he just pointed in one direction and said his car was that way. I nodded and said mine was, too, and he nodded and just kept walking.
So, I kind of took that as a sign that he realized the date was pretty much an epic failure.
But then, the next morning, I get a text message from him.
"Hey birthday girl. How was dinner? I'm still sweating it out in Salt Lake."
I'm sorry, poetry man, but there was absolutely nothing about that coffee "date" that made me the least bit interested in any additional contact with you. And I really don't have any idea how I could have possibly made you think otherwise. You're not an awful human being, but the fact that we couldn't find a single thing that we have in common other than being physically present in the same geographic area? That's not exactly a good sign.
I wish you the best in your online dating endeavors. But you might want to splurge for the coffee for the next girl.
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